Placemats of the Future  
Friday, August 08, 2003


This morning I spotted a turd on my front porch.

Shouldn't be there. No pets. Neighbors, no pets either.

Damn kids.

Unsure what to do, I do'd what most would do'd, and tapped the suspected doo with the toe of my shoe.

A dead leaf. Brown, creviced, curled, which gave it some height. The color of dog shit. Crunched underfoot to jagged bits and a string of a spine.

Summer in California.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Found Item Dept.

Hello Kitty Vibrat ... er, "Shoulder Massager"

You have to see it to believe it.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Cute, cuddly, & craven

Oh yes. Every morning. Yawn, scratch my nuts, brew some of my famous java. A strong hot cup o' joe. Scratch my nuts, boot computer, yawn, coffee, scratch. Pick a winner and flick it on the window sill.

My browser home page: Yahoo's Most Viewed Photos.

A year of crawling my eyeballs up and down this page.

Each morning, I guarantee Yahoo's Most Viewed Photos page will display the following:

  • Eight cuddy animal snaps;
  • Six cheesecake shots;
  • Two captures of famous personage caught performing embarrassing/revealing/scandalous behaviour;
  • One miscellaneous photo which, on a good day, has something to do with world affairs.

From this, I have deduced the Internet's demographics as a whole. As A Whole.

Coincidentally, the demographics match the above list, in order and proportion. Sort of.

The Internet, as A Whole, is:

  • Four hundred million Japanese teenage girls — the type who have cry parties over Justin Timberlake;
  • Two hundred twenty-two million horny old men. (Well, okay. Men.);
  • Four thousand Matt Drudge wannabes;
  • and Al Gore.

Copyright (c) 2002, 2003 Jim Nelson.