Inspection

This morning I spotted a turd on my front porch.

Shouldn't be there. No pets. Neighbors, no pets either.

Damn kids.

Unsure what to do, I do'd what most would do'd, and tapped the suspected doo with the toe of my shoe.

A dead leaf. Brown, creviced, curled, which gave it some height. The color of dog shit. Crunched underfoot to jagged bits and a string of a spine.

Summer in California.

Found Item Dept.

Hello Kitty Vibrat ... er, "Shoulder Massager"

You have to see it to believe it.

Cute, cuddly, & craven

Oh yes. Every morning. Yawn, scratch my nuts, brew some of my famous java. A strong hot cup o' joe. Scratch my nuts, boot computer, yawn, coffee, scratch. Pick a winner and flick it on the window sill.

My browser home page: Yahoo's Most Viewed Photos.

A year of crawling my eyeballs up and down this page.

Each morning, I guarantee Yahoo's Most Viewed Photos page will display the following:

• Eight cuddy animal snaps;
• Six cheesecake shots;
• Two captures of famous personage caught performing embarrassing/revealing/scandalous behaviour;
• One miscellaneous photo which, on a good day, has something to do with world affairs.

From this, I have deduced the Internet's demographics as a whole. As A Whole.

Coincidentally, the demographics match the above list, in order and proportion. Sort of.

The Internet, as A Whole, is:

• Four hundred million Japanese teenage girls — the type who have cry parties over Justin Timberlake;
• Two hundred twenty-two million horny old men. (Well, okay. Men.);
• Four thousand Matt Drudge wannabes;
• and Al Gore.